Drunken Charm

This is a story from a couple of  years ago about one of the many Austin trips.  Austin is one of those few towns where you just know you’re going to have a great time.  Anyway, enjoy…

I have been so lazy lately. Tired, burned out and was even in a semi-committed relationship for a while. But I’m back and slowly gettin’ back into the swing of things.

Saturday night Timmy, Raja and I hit up Austin to hang out with Troy and his PI. As always Raja was running behind so we didn’t even roll into town til almost 11pm.

We start the night off at at bar/lounge called SIX. We meet up with Stripes and his girl and a few minutes later Troy, his boy Ben, and his PI, Ed_Hardy show up. We shoot the for a little bit and then head over to Qua.

We get to Qua and before we even get to the dance floor, a cute blonde comes up behind Ed and starts grinding on him. Everyone joins me in a round of applause as he leads her to the dance floor. Not a lot else was really happenin’ at Qua so after Ed did his thing and got some feedback from us, we headed over to Pangaea.

I’m with the guys for a total of 45 seconds after I walk into the club. As I cross the bar, a sexy petite little things walks past me. I get her attention and slowly come to the realization that I know this person.

ME: “Miranda”?

HB: Huh? (it was loud)

ME: Your name’s “Miranda” right?

HB: Yeah, what’s yours?

ME: Andy

She looks at me and thanks for a second. Then she looks at me again and starts jumping up and down.

HB: OH MY GOD! HOW ARE YOU! I didn’t expect to see you here.

Amanda was a lesbian that I had met a few months back while she was in Dallas visiting. This girl is a whole nother post in itself. And even though this is only the second time we had ever seen each other in person, we definitely had history.

NOTE: I plan on archiving my lesbian-seduction tips sometime in the (distant/not so distant) future. If anyone has questions about this subject let me know and I’ll prioritize it accordingly.

Anyway . . .

MIRANDA – Hey, I have to go talk to the manager about something. Don’t move. I’ll be right back.

ME – I’ll give you 3 minutes.

MIRANDA – I only need 2.

She takes off and I post up at the bar. Not even a minute later, she comes back.

MIRANDA – I’m not losing you. Come on.

She grabs my arm and pulls me away. Normally I wouldn’t have let this happen, but I was so turned on by her assertiveness that at that moment I didn’t mind bein’ lead around like a poodle. As I’m bein’ lead away, I quickly transition from her grabbing my wrist to the finger-lock hand hold. We find the club manager and after expressing her concern about her party’s cocktail (waitress), she turns back to me, grabs my hand again and says the words I long to hear.

“Come on, we have BOTTLE SERVICE.”

We sit down and fix ourselves a couple of drinks. Then we get a little more cozy on the couch and catch up on what had been goin’ on since I deleted her number (like I said, we have history). We talk for a bit and then she leaves for a second to go use the restroom. When she leaves I pour me another drink, sit back and talk to her sexy friend, “Clarissa”, for awhile.

Miranda gets back and we have the cocktail pour us a couple glasses of champagne and talk for a bit more.

By this point I have NO CLUE where the guys are so I decide to excuse myself from the lesbian for a second. I take my glass of champagne and, together, we go in search for my friends. I find Timmy and Troy observing some drunken white girls dancing. I couldn’t quite figure out what was goin’ on so I asked him if he knew where Raja was. Tim then points me in the direction of Raja so I go to find him—the champagne comes with me.

I spot Raja but quickly realize he’s in set, so I pull back before I crash right in the middle of his interaction. However, when he sees me, he calls me over and introduces me to the girl. Me and the champagne wing Raja for a second and tell the girl what a great guy he is. Then we decide to roll off.

Adjacent to Raja’s set was a girl in a zebra print dress sitting on a ledge next to her friend’s VIP spot. I decided to use this opportunity to try out Timmy’s new “animal print” opener, which he came up with one night in Dallas when we realized that 20% of M Street Bar was covered with some kind of dead animal spots.

ME – Hi.

ZEBRA – Hi . . . What are you drinking?

ME – Champagne.

ZEBRA – Ooh, that’s classy.

ME – BURP! Well I’m a classy guy.

ZEBRA – (laughs) Nice.

Tim swears by this – lets see if it’ll work for me.

ME – I have to be honest, I’m really not a fan of zebra print . . .

ZEBRA – (huffs) I think it’s cute.

ME – HOWEVER! You pull it off rather well, I must say.

ZEBRA – Why thank you. I like your tie.

Like a charm. And so it goes . . .

Right beside the lesbian’s bottle service was a sexy girl in a white dress and the brightest smile I had ever seen in Austin while drinking champagne. This girl seriously could have been a spokes model for Crest White Strips. At that same moment the clubs fog machine kicks on and the whole place fills up with mist.

ME – You’re all I can see right now.

CREST – Oh yeah?

ME – Well, really all I can see is your dress and your teeth. You could tell me you don’t have arms and I would have no choice but to believe you at this point. But I must say, I like what I see . . . Which really isn’t much so don’t let it go to your head.

CREST – (laughs)

ME – Hi, I’m Andy.

CREST – Nice to meet you, Andy, I’m . . .

And so on . . .

I then walk around to try and see if I can find some of the other guys, but instead I see two girls standing by themselves, drinking champagne. I raise my glass to them and they raise there’s back to me. I walk over and say hi and we chat for a bit. I compliment one of the girl’s on her dress and ask the other girl why she let her friend show her up. They laugh and I tell them I’m on a mission to find my friends, but that I’d try to catch up with them before I leave. Right as I began to roll off, it occurs to me that it’s doubtful I’ll ever see these girls again, so I slowly pivot back to the one girl and say, “I forgot something.” And then I softly grab her chin, left her neck up and give her one single kiss on her lips—biting her bottom lip ever so gently before I pull off. Then I just walk away.

NOTE: I like makin’ out with girls I’ve just met just as much as the next guy (maybe more). But in my experience, a single kiss, DONE RIGHT, will get you further than half-an-hour of continuous makin’ out. I promise.

Anyway, let’s get back to the lesbian . . .

By the time I get back to “Miranda” she’s totally wasted. She kisses me on the lips and tells me to keep it a secret cause she didn’t want “Clarissa” to see.

Evidently “Miranda” had a thing for her friend “Clarissa”, and at this point, curiosity gets the best of me. I decide to go over and talk to “Clarissa” and since I no longer had my new friend, champagne, with me . . . I had to go at this one alone (even though he was still there in spirit lol). I walk up and sit down next to “Clarissa.”

ME – So you’re gay too? (Real subtle)

CLARISSA – (looking over at “Miranda”) No, but I think she wishes I was. But I think she likes you.

ME – (tell me somethin’ I don’t know) You think so?

CLARISSA – Yeah, I think she’s just confused . . . I like your tie.

ME – (DQ) Yeah? It’s the gayest one I own, but I’m secure enough with my masculinity to wear it anyway.

CLARISSA – Well I think you look sexy

ME – Well I can’t argue with that (I place my hand on her thigh).

Right as we start to move closer, the house lights go up. The cocktail brings Clarissa the bill and she notices that the cocktail had went ahead and but a 20% gratuity on the check. Clarissa didn’t appreciate her doing this and, with all the tact in the world, let the cocktail know that she just screwed herself out of a bigger tip. It was a sight to see.

“Clarissa” gave me her number and told me to call her the next time I’m town. After that, I find the guys and we all walk out and take advantage of what Austin is best for . . . the run and the gun.

In all honesty, I don’t do a whole lot of run and gun. It’s a ONS thing and I’m just not the ONS type. However, It’s not every week that I’m in Austin (even though it seems like I’m there about ever month) and I’ve had just enough to drink that I could do a few blowouts and take advantage of the opportunity. I walk up to a sexy blonde.

ME – You’re the most pretentious lookin’ girl out here . . . but there’s somethin’ about you that makes me think you could be the mother of my children ( I got the “there’s something about you” bit from Troy. It seemed to fit.)

BLONDE – You think I look pretentious?

ME – (sigh) Yeah . . . But I’m from Dallas so I see it all the time.

BLONDE – Haha, I’m from Dallas too.

ME – See, what did I tell you? Though, you actually seem pretty down to earth.

BLONDE – (smiles) Well not all Dallas girls are stuck up.

Yadayadayad . . . number close (I have plans to get together with her tomorrow actually).

I see “Miranda” outside and she informs me that she had lost her credit card and her cell phone . . . at least that’s what I think she said. She was really wasted. Then she said she’d hit me up on MySpace tomorrow and then walked off to talk to the valet. Then I see “Clarissa” hangin’ out by the wall. I walk up to her and tell her that she should probably not let “Miranda” drive home. She agrees and then I change the subject.

About that time some dude walks up and says “He bro, that’s my wife you’re talkin’ to.” I just look at him like he’s a retard and shew him away. At that moment Timmy comes out of nowhere and goes after this guy. I thought this was hilarious because Tim never does that. Timmy knows I can handle myself, but I found out later on that earlier in the club the same guy had came up to him while he was in set and tried to AMOG him too.

NOTE: The biggest mistake you could ever make is to try and cock block Tim while he’s in set. A truck load of naked blondes couldn’t keep him from makin’ you look like a complete and total jackass.

Anyway, so we finish up and, as always, end the night at WHATABURGER. Time gets away from us and before we know it, its 8am. There’s a little discussion as to what we should do, and we decide just to go back to the motel, check out, Drive back to Dallas, and worry about sleep once we got home. But before we leave, we swing by Troy’s hotel to pick up a couple of things.

We leave the hotel, and Timmy and I split the trip driving back home while Raja passes out in the back. I get dropped off at my apartment and then I konk out for a good 6 hours .

It’s a beautiful thing.

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